well.....................

Where should I start...should I catch you up first...or should I say why Im on now....
Well lets do a quick catch up....Friday after chemo..that was my "worst" day.... I had to stay in bed....I was very tired....could get up to pee..but then had to lay back down..and would fall right back to sleep....I wasnt nauseous....but NOTHING..NOTHING sounded good...not even water....I was just like...ick....I finally made it to the shower around 3 after that I felt a little better and had some jello...was able to eat a piece of pizza for dinner....Evenings seemed to be the time when my stomach felt better and I could actually eat something. Saturday I slept in a little, didnt feel like eating till dinner and by Sunday I was fine..maybe a little tired..but not really noticeable..I could eat..etc....lets see any other complaints.....umm...I think the antibiotic for the UTI hurt my belly a little..but I supposed that could have been a side effect of chemo...not sure...we'll see....
This whole week I have been fine..everyone asks...how ya feeling...I am feeling fine..I feel like myself..it wasnt that bad...I wonder...DOES IT GET WORSE? cause maybe the first time your body is still tough and its like..whatever chemo!...but then they hit ya the second time and you are knocked down on the inside a little and so yir insides CANT fight quite as hard..and the 3rd time its worse...mmmm guess we have to wait and see..NOT A BIG FAN OF THE UNKNOWN..... But apologize for not updating sooner...just didnt have too much to write..plus not being much of a sharer....BUT.....MY HAIR IS STARTING TO FALL OUT and BOY AM I NOT HAPPY...( u jinxed me today SUE...just kidding we both knew it was coming)...but I suppose you always think..well maybe it wont happen....well tonite when I was putting Sam to bed we were talking about how I have to get my next medicine on Wed and he asked about my hair and I said not yet..as I ran my hand through it and SON OF A BITCH if like 10 strands of hair didnt F**in come out in my hand....course I had to keep my composure for Sam..and I was like...oh no bubba..looks like its starting to come out now..but thats ok...I will let you know if more comes out in the morning..Momma loves ya..he was fine with this answer...and said..I dont want yir hair to fall out..I said me neither..but I think its gonna...it'll be ok......However I am not ok with it...I am not happy at all...it makes me cry...I like my hair..I dont want to be bald....this is what I feel like....Im gonna be bald...flabby, not tan ( I will probably never tan again..but tan makes me feel a little prettier) and feeling like shit sometimes...they tell you not to get a pedicure or manicure (cause of infection) so what do I have to make me feel pretty?..NOTHING....pretty isnt everything...you have yir kids, your family, yir friends...etc etc..I know I know...but thats not how I feel today.....what if my eyelashes and eyebrows fall out too??? OMG...seriously....then you cant wear eye makeup..thats not pretty either....Initially I kept running my hands through my hair pullin more hair out..thats a very stressful practice... .I had planned to work out tonite..adn then I was like now i cant cause my hairs falling out and if it gets sweaty then I will have to wash it and then MORE will come out...now I cant even work out and I will be flabbier...and then I was like ya know what..F U chemo...Im gonna work out anyway....ya cant take everything...so I came downstairs and put in the hardest workout DVD...some cardio BOOTCAMP and DID It...(course I wont be able to walk tomorrow) but it made me feel better for a little bit. and I did get sweaty...but then I thought..well who needs to wash their hair..what the hell does it matter if its gonna fall out anyway..not cleaning it just for it to fall out..waste....I did read on mayoclinic.com that 50% of yir hair can fall out before its even noticable...I got A LOT OF hair..maybe 50% wont be such a big deal...I can only be so lucky.....this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through..I would donate my liver over and over again of this bullshit. The dr at the Cleveland Clinic did say...the hardest part of all this will be losing yir hair...so far hes right on..and its just started to come out....no one would know yet if I wasnt broadcasting it on this blog...LOL... Well I think I could just go on and on and on..sorry my thoughts arent very organized in this blog..but hey all this typing has kept me from checking my hair.......talk to ya soon....xo